Need a vacation from your vacation?

It seems to be an experience shared by many parents that once the lively vacation with our children is over, one that we longed for, we are more exhausted than when it began. My question today is how do we spend time with our children day after day and not get burned out and distant but instead feel connection and affection for those we love the most? How do we still see the adorable, silly and endearing little (or big) faces after spending days shut in the house because of snow and then vacations from school, a few head colds and then more snow?

The times when I feel most relaxed and connected to my children is if I can remain present with them. If I can really listen and appreciate the creativity of our sons new song even when tired. When our one year old is upset and my head throbs from the crying, to still notice how deep and dark his eyes have gotten as he grows. To notice the shape of their toes and feet and wonder if I could pick them out of a crowd. In the midst of our five year old's loud refusal to do something we have just asked, to still appreciate his independence and how that will translate into his adulthood. When they wake up at night and it feels painful to get out of bed and take care of their needs to remember there will be a day that they will not need us as much and how my heart will break when they are grown and leave us. It is also essential to be consistent and assertive in teaching our children that parents need "time outs" too and to respect when we ask for quiet or for them to play independently. Last but so incredibly important is to know when we need support and are overwhelmed. To reach out to others and to recognize and accept that we can not or even should not be or provide everything for our children.

Wishing you peace in the New Year,

Shana

Energy Drainers

Often we are unaware of the aspects in our lives that drain or even enhance us. We may wonder why we feel fantastic one day and out of sorts another. Although there may be various reasons why we fluctuate, writing some thoughts down can highlight certain experiences which have not been under our radar. As parents, we have a particular excuse to claim that we are too busy to take time for personal reflection. In turn, I have included the following exercise, shared by the Institute For Life Coaching Training, to provide a quick yet effective tool for insight.

You may or may not choose to do anything about them right now, but just becoming aware of and articulating them may create new opportunities and ideas.

ENERGY DRAINERS AT WORK:
1.
2.
3.
ENERGY DRAINERS AT HOME:
1.
2.
3.
ENERGY ENHANCERS AT WORK:
1.
2.
3.
ENERGY ENHANCERS AT HOME:
1.
2.
3.

As always, I look forward to your comments and ideas posted on this site or emailed directly to me. Have Fun!

Adoption, Parenting and Politics

Recently I came across a quote from John McCain originally published in The New York Times and now in the Fall 2008 Human Rights Campaign's publication Equality. His mind boggling quote states the following: "No, I don't believe in Gay Adoption" (Sen. John McCain, July 2008.) I am including this quote, not to ruin your day but in order to share with you HRC's response to John McCain's discrimination and limited thinking. Here is the insightful and empowering response: "Sen. McCain's comments show a disturbing disregard for the reality that thousands of children and youth face- the possibility of never having a permanent, loving home. Leading child welfare organizations in the U.S concur that there is no reason to prevent gay and lesbian people from raising children, and the child welfare professionals who are mandated to find the best possible families for children in need recognize that every potential loving parent, whether single or married, gay or straight, is a valuable resource for children who are in need of a permanent family. It is an insult to these professionals and the children whom they represent to suggest that the door should be closed to people other than a "traditional" married couple. It is also an insult to the thousands of children being raised by lesbian and gay parents, and who are thriving and contributing positively to their communities." (From Director Ellen Kahn, HRC Foundation Family Project.) For all of you raising children out there with opinions like John McCain's looming about, YOU ARE AMAZING! You may care what others think, do not pretend you must be a rock, just do what is in your heart anyway.

Behavior charts for adults?

Behavior charts, controlling, yes, but so surprisingly effective. We began “charting” when our oldest was still a single child and we were new parents. As he turned two new and thrilling personality traits began to emerge from his tiny little body. His assertions of independence were fascinating, endearing and really challenging. We began to experiment with a small homemade chart and put a few essential tasks on it. Once he had his first taste of earning a sticker and experienced the celebration of our cheering and hugs, we were all hooked. He was completing tasks, accomplishing goals, receiving positive feedback and being held accountable, which all led to a sense of success and pride.
As adults and parents, we too have goals and tasks that we try to learn, accomplish, and master. I believe that being held accountable, and maintaining our sense of self is a key to success. For example, if there is a goal or intention you wish to attain and you tell someone you respect, then the likelihood increases that you actually will. Working with a life coach is incredibly beneficial in this process. Through conversations and exercises in coaching sessions, clients are able to identify and access their greatest strengths. This allows clarity in identifying goals and new possibilities in furthering one’s intentions.
Now that our oldest goes to school five days a week and our little one must come for the ride, we have found ourselves scrambling daily to get out the door at the precise time the school requires us to be there. I decided our oldest could handle more responsibility and we entered new “getting ready” tasks on his chart, but I realized how frustrated I was in the moment we announced these tasks would now be “charted.” My reaction may have initiated some sense of punishment rather than a useful consequence. So the next morning when I woke up feeling once again tired and wishing I had gone to bed earlier the night before, it hit me. I will chart myself! I announced to our son that I wanted to do a chart too. His response was stunning as he quickly got out paper and marker and began to create my chart. He hugged me and gave me a random “I love you” while carefully drawing the boxes where my stickers would be placed. The interesting piece is that this was not a gesture on my part. I really wanted support in getting more rest and being held accountable. Since this chart, I dutifully go to bed at the time I promised and beam with pride when I get to tell him in the morning. We have joined together to accomplish goals and share in our success. Sometimes I think our children are the best life coaches of all.

Overwhelmed Parents

My subject today involves the very tricky art of saying no when someone asks something of us. My story begins with our 4 year old who just began a new preschool, one that my partner and I are very enthusiastic about. The school has a focus on community which is why I originally fell in love with it. As the year began I started to notice that I also felt overwhelmed by it. In the first week emails filled my box with news of upcoming potlucks, volunteer opportunities, family days at the park, policies and procedures, new parents night, open house night, info on how to be a peanut free school etc. . . I was able to remain in balance as I reassured myself that I had power and control to pick and choose one or two opportunities and feel that I had done my part. Quickly I lost my bearings and became uncomfortably consumed with pressure to sign up for all the events. Then I was asked to be a room parent. Yes I was flattered, but the commitment to that responsibility just tipped the scale. So how do we say no? How do we say no and feel clear and guilt free. So many of us are committed to activities, professional responsibilities, committees, groups and relationships because we think we "should" or that it simply feels too difficult to say no. When we are overbooked life flies by in front of our eyes. We lose the ability to be present with what and who we cherish. We focus more on that our child isn't putting on his or her shoe then on the amazingly creative song he/she is spontaneously composing in front of our eyes. We forget to give our spouse/partner a kiss (with feeling) in the morning because our mind is so full of all that we want to accomplish. When overbooked we are rarely "there" with where we are because we are always anticipating the next thing. I fear that living a life which is too full can lead to regrets later in life. In my situation I was eventually able to decline the opportunity to be a room parent. I think I was able to do so because I took a little time to sweep the obligation and guilt out of the way and examined the situation to see if this would be a commitment that would also benefit my life. The answer was ultimately no. I sensed that I would much rather participate in other events like cooking fun meals for class potlucks, attend the fall festival or help individual families that I personally connected to. I also believed that someone else would do a wonderful job and when the right opportunity comes along I would have the energy to pursue it. How do all of you out there say no? Do you say no? Till next time . . .

Sarah Palin And Same Sex Marriage

Hello out there! This month has brought new concern as I am truly worried as never before that McCain and Palin will be voted in. They both oppose gay marriage and adoption by GLBT parents. This chills me to the core. In Massachusetts we have this bubble of security as one of the only states with legal marriage and the ability to co adopt. My partner and I happily agreed that for a number of reasons we would use an anonymous donor and she would carry and birth both of children. We went through a legal adoption for both kids to ensure my rights as a mother and both of our names are on the birth certificate. Even though I thought it absurd and maddening that I had to adopt my own children, I knew that this was so much farther that most states in the USA have achieved in terms of rights. As a new parent I was constantly aware that some people would not see me as a "real" mother. The emotion and rage that thought brought has subsided much as our boys grow but always looms somewhere. We have chosen to live in a town that has oodles of two mommy and two daddy families. The schools we trust our children to fully embrace and celebrate our family. I know that the world is not like this. All I have to do is travel out of our happy valley and I can sense homophobia in every direction. I want to hear from those of you who are bravely raising children with or without full legal rights. I want to know where you get your strength from and let others be inspired by that . Till next time . . .